Challenge #16 Pink Eye

Ben, things have changed since the beginning of Lent. Don’t you feel like a whole different person? I bet you don’t even remember how into the Olympics you were. You probably don’t remember checking Twitter every 7 minutes to find pictures of toilets and curtains and glasses of weird water. But I bet you remember this…!

bob-costas-pink-eye

Ahhh! Dreaded pink eye. It makes em blood shot, seals em shut, and might even get you kicked off the TV for scaring children and/or winking “too harshly” in general… allegedly.

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Challenge #14 Allergies

There are many types of allergies, but let’s focus on hay fever. I am afflicted with this sensitivity and I can therefore confirm that it is disgusting, embarrassing, and one might even say grimy. Look Ben, you know the deal it’s sneezing, it’s coughing, it’s mucus in the throat that causes people to clear their throats constantly, it’s itchy red eyes, it’s swollen parts of the face, it’s… gross. And to think, it’s our reaction to things like flowers. We are told to consider the lily of the valley… “Ok, but only from a distance.” Sniffles, sneezes, and snores result from allergies, but will a prayer also result from them? You tell me.

Challenge #12 Dead Worms

800px-Earthworm_on_concrete

Ben, some smells are divine. Thick woven straw rugs smell diving, they remind me of Hawaii. Sunscreen smells divine, it reminds me of summer… and Hawaii. Fresh rain when it first starts to fall on dusty dry streets, now that is a divine smell and yes it reminds me of Hawaii too, what’s your point? But sadly Ben, some smells are not divine, like the at once stale and rotten smell of dead worms strewn across the sidewalk after a heavy rain. Or am I wrong? Is this a scent of the divine?

Challenge #10 Acne

Ben, that last one really hit home. This one does too, I’m just glad I don’t have to write a prayer about… acne! You know the stuff don’t you? Or, were you born with that 5 o’clock shadow of yours? Acne is a plaguing and embarrassing thing. Medications can cause it, stress can cause it, being a teenager can cause it, anything and/or nothing can cause it… but it seems like we humans, old and young, are stuck with it. So, God must be in it somewhere… right?

Challenge #8 Stuffed Animals

Yeah Ben, that’s right, stuffed animals. Obviously not any old stuffed animals. Stuffed animals in store windows and other glass cages are fine. What I’m talking about are kids’ favorite stuffed animals. The one they drag through preschool with them, sliding it along the table during snack time, laying on it like a pillow on the floor during nap time, and sucking on it all the time! I’m talking about the stuffed animals who announce kids’ entrance. “Oh, stop s-w-e-a-r-i-n-g hunny, I can smell Timmy coming.” Those are the stuffed animals I’m talking about, the ragged, beaten, broken, and rank stuffed animals that even parents who sleep with their living-breathing animals won’t allow into their beds.

Challenge #6 Fingernails

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Ben, I’m sure you would agree that fingernails are gross. Why do you think some men and women choose to paint them? Yeah, maybe they’re making a statement, but it’s a double whammy: they get to make a statement and cover up these yucky little things attached to our fingers. Our fingernails get dirt underneath them. This is especially true when we don’t keep them trimmed. Some people say “I’ll scratch your back if you scratch mine…” Gross! And furthermore I’ve watched a lot of Law and Order… what are you trying to frame us for? And let’s top this huge piece of disgusting pie with a festering cherry: some people chew their nails. Ugh Benjamin, I’m sickened just thinking about fingernails, so I’m going to stop and let you pray… Gross, I just remembered boogers.

Challenge #04 Smog

Challenger: Chase

smog

Smog is a portmanteau of the words smoke and fog. The word was intended to refer to London’s pea soup fog. This smog is caused by burning large amounts of coal within a city and contains soot particulates from smoke, sulfur dioxide and other stuff. Modern smog is a type of air pollution derived from the emissions of internal combustion engines and industrial fumes that react in the atmosphere with sunlight to form secondary pollutants that also combine with the primary emissions to form photochemical smog. The atmospheric pollution levels of Los Angeles, Mexico City and other cities are increased by inversion that traps pollution close to the ground. It is usually highly toxic to humans and can cause severe sickness, shortened life or death. I wonder what post-modern smog will be like? -wikipedia

Who doesn’t love a portmanteau? Bonne chance, Benjamin!

Challenge #02 The Blobfish

The Challenger: Chase

blobfish

The Blobfish is a deep-sea fish that inhabits the coastal waters of Australia, Tasmania, and New Zealand. Typically shorter than 30 cm, they live at depths between 600 and 1,200 m (2,000 and 3,900 ft) where the pressure is several dozen times higher than at sea level, which would likely make gas bladders inefficient for maintaining buoyancy. Instead, the flesh of the Blobfish is primarily a gelatinous mass with a density slightly less than water; this allows the fish to float above the sea floor without expending energy on swimming. Its relative lack of muscle is not a disadvantage as it primarily swallows edible matter that floats in front of it such as deep-ocean crustaceans. Due to its low density flesh, the Blobfish’s shape is very different when it is out of water.

Ahh! Jabba-the-fish! Good luck Benjamin, I’ll pray for you as you try to pray with this!